Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
