I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
