New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
