Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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