These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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