i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
