some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
