I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize