i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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