saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
