she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
