They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
