I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
