Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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