When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
