Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
