You made me cry and you don't even care
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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