I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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