wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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