i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
