Who wears a wallet chain?!
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
smell my finger.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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