I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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