I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize