Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
