How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
