I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
