I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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