i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
how does that bad decision feel?
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