I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
