textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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