just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
