Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
