We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
