Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
