I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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