Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize