I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
