you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
