how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
