but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
