oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
