wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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