I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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