I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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