So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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