This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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