i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
