If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
