just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just blew my weed a kiss
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
