Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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