closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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