Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
God I need to hump something, right now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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