I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
