BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
