This girl is more easily done than said...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
