I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
