Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize