if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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