I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You are the jesus of drinking
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
