I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
