Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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