I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
