I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
