I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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