my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
