He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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