i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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