Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
